Dr. Reyaz Ahmad
Parenting isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula. It’s a daily negotiation of values, emotions, and real-life demands. Two contrasting styles—gentle parenting and disciplinarian parenting—often spark debate. Each has its principles, strengths, and pitfalls. Understanding their impact is key to navigating today’s complex family dynamics.
“Through this article, we aim to understand two approaches to parenting—their methods, advantages, disadvantages, and relevance in today’s world—providing valuable guidance for modern parents.”
What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting emphasizes empathy, respect, and communication. It involves guiding children through understanding rather than fear or force.
What is disciplinarian parenting?
Disciplinarian parenting is centered on obedience, structure, and consequences. It prioritizes control and adherence to authority, often with limited emotional negotiation.
The real-world shift
Parents across the globe—including in the Indian subcontinent—are reassessing how they were raised and striving for better emotional outcomes for their children. But confusion arises when trying to find balance between compassion and discipline.
Guidelines for parents: What to do
1. Set clear, consistent boundaries
Children feel secure when they know the limits. Rules should be predictable, fair, and explained calmly.
Example: “We turn off the TV at 8 PM every night because sleep is important.” Consistency avoids daily power struggles.
2. Validate emotions
Even when behavior needs correction. Acknowledge your child’s feelings before redirecting their behavior.
Example:“I understand you’re angry because your toy broke. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hit.”
3. Model the behavior you want to see
Children learn more from how you act than what you say.
If you want respect, show respect. If you want honesty, be honest—even about mistakes.
4. Follow through with consequences, not punishments
Natural and logical consequences teach better than yelling or fear.
Example:“If you forget your lunch, you might feel hungry. That helps you remember next time,” rather than scolding harshly.
5. Schedule one-on-one time regularly
Even 15 minutes of focused, device-free interaction daily can build trust and prevent misbehavior.
What not to do
1. Don’t hit, shout, or humiliate
Physical or verbal punishment may temporarily stop behavior, but it damages long-term trust and emotional health.
Indian proverb “Maar se nahi, samajh se sikhayiye” — Don’t teach through fear, teach through understanding.
2. Don’t confuse permissiveness with empathy.
Being gentle doesn’t mean giving in to everything. Saying “no” with warmth is still saying “no.”
“I love you, and the answer is still no,” is a valid and loving boundary.
3. Don’t demand instant obedience.
Children aren’t robots. Give them time to process instructions or changes.
Instead of:“Do it now or else!”
Try:“Let’s do this together. I’ll help you start.”
4. Don’t compare your child to others.
It crushes self-worth and fosters resentment. Focus on their individual progress, not competition.
5. Don’t ignore your own mental and emotional health.
Burnt-out parents can’t show up with patience or clarity. Take breaks, seek support, and forgive yourself when you mess up.
Closing advice for modern families
Whether you lean toward gentle parenting or were raised in a disciplinarian household, the goal isn’t to copy a method perfectly. It’s to raise children who are kind, resilient, and emotionally aware.
In the Indian context especially—where respect for elders is deeply rooted and extended families play a big role—parents need to walk a fine line: teaching discipline without crushing individuality, and showing love without losing authority.
The sweet spot?
Firm boundaries, kind communication, and emotional presence.
Remember: Your child is not your project. They’re a person. Raise them the way you’d want to be raised—if you were little, scared, curious, and growing.
(The author is a freelancer and can be reached at [email protected])
